Ridiculous baby inventions

Being a mother is hard work. Parenting comes as a huge shock to the system and renders you exhausted and emotional. Little wonder then that mums try to streamline the process, availing themselves of handy gadgets to save them time, and organising mundane tasks into slick routines. Brands have long capitalised on this need for efficiency by developing products which promise to transform a new parent’s life. But I saw an invention this week that had me questioning whether companies are behaving ethically in their aims regarding vulnerable new parents.

Here are my top 5 most ridiculous baby inventions:

1.     The Bottle Bib: Just take a look at this ludicrous contraption! Aimed at babies aged 3 months and up, this unwieldy piece of plastic is designed to fit around the baby’s head and shoulders, with a milk bottle attached at just the right position to slot into the baby’s mouth. You can then lie your baby down, and he can get on with his feed completely by himself!      

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Let’s think about this for a moment. Most people bring a child into the world fully congnisant of the work involved. A baby is totally dependent on the nurture of his parent. We know that we will need to feed him – goodness, we look forward to feeding him! Quite apart from the safety aspects of leaving a baby propped with a bottle in his or her mouth, would any mum seriously rather be doing the vacuuming than feeding her baby?

2.     Half expecting to find that someone has invented a baby monitor that lets you go to Spain and leave your baby at home, I tentatively continued my internet search for baby inventions. My next bizarre discovery was the Baby Mop romper suit. The theory here is that with all that crawling around that babies do, they could be cleaning the floors for you – after they’ve finished feeding themselves, of course!

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 3.     A hand-shaped pillow: when it’s time for your baby to have a cuddle, you don’t even have to perform that duty yourself, because someone has invented the Zaky infant pillow. Designed to look and feel like a parent’s hand and arm, this makes the baby feel like you are holding him, even when you’re not.

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4.     Hairpieces for new-borns: It won’t surprise you to know that you can no longer buy any of the first 3 items featured here. Funnily enough they are listed as out of stock, or the websites are no longer available. But you can buy a wig for your bald baby! Why would you need one of these? Because most babies are born without hair; it’s one of their distinguishing features, but if you find it offensive you can solve the problem by simply making your child look ridiculous: 

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There, that’s better…?

5.     Baby Perfume: Finally, and so that you don’t miss your baby while he is home alone feeding himself and you’re getting on with other, child-free activities, Bulgari have invented a perfume that smells just like him! Bulgari Petits et Mamans is a “tender reminiscence of the sweetest childhood memories.” Oh good, now you don’t have to feel so guilty about leaving your baby to his own devices.

Seriously, sometimes I think business has gone mad in its relentless pursuit of profit from parents! Nurture your baby, feed him, cuddle him, and enjoy him! Oh, and don’t make him clean the floors until he is old enough to manage a mop and bucket!

What ridiculous baby inventions have you seen?

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